Lawyers love to argue, no one will deny that, and one argument that wouldn’t sustain any objections is that it’s probably the occupation that people make the most jokes about. Everyone loves to hate lawyers, but also without objection everyone loves to laugh. It’s quite possible that there are as many lawyers as there are jokes about them, and as many bad lawyer jokes as there are bad lawyers. Let’s face it- the only problem with the jokes, good or bad, is the lawyers don’t think they’re funny and people don’t think they’re jokes. Even if you find some in contempt, our only intention is to make you laugh. So in closing, we would like to present to you, and completely at the expense of lawyers everywhere, this compilation of legal humor that we hope will make you laugh and wont judge us too harshly for.
Did You Hear the One About the Lawyer…
In the court of legal humor one-liners rule, they’re concise, straight to the point, and just like lawyers they can be good, bad, clever or dirty. Here’s 10 of the best examples we could find.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: They lie on one side, and then lie on the other.
Q: What do lawyers and oranges have in common?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: What happens to lawyers after they take viagra?
A: They get taller
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: Gigolos get paid to screw one person at a time.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: Try and get your finger between the rope and their neck.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t and a lawyer should?
A: Shove their bill up their ass.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they only screw clients.
Q: How did New Jersey end up with the most toxic waste dumps and California the most
lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to choose first.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: Their partners.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with a double digit IQ?
A: Your honor.
Bonus One-Liner
This is what a one-liner might sound like if handled by a legal team, but there’s nothing brief about this one.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable provincial, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”
If any of these jokes caused you personal injury from excessive laughing or eye-rolling there’s not much we can do, our only advice is to laugh it off. However, being injured in an accident is no laughing matter and you can call us for a free consultation. We’re no joke.
